Secret Santas
by Biohazrd23
Summary: The Resident Evil charactors must buy gifts for each other. Hilarity and much much bacon ensues! ONE-SHOT.


Secret Santas

A Resident Evil Christmas Special

By Biohazrd23

Wesker: Well team, the joyous holiday season is upon us and so, it's time for our Secret Satan –I mean Santa. Draw a name out of the hat and have their gifts ready by the 24th. Well, I guess I should go first as I am the captain.

He puts his hand in and draws out a piece of folded paper.

Wesker: Oh, haha, what do you know. I guess I'm my own Secret Santa, haha, that's not rigged at all. Ok, well come up and pull a name out.

The STARS walk up and pull pieces of paper out of the hat.

Chris picked Rebecca's name.

Jill got Barry.

Joseph and Brad got each other.

Rebecca got Jill and Barry got Chris.

Wesker: Ok team, back to work.

* * *

LATER

Jill and Chris walk through the mall side by side.

Jill: So, what are you thinking of getting me?

Chris: I'm not your Secret Santa.

Jill: No, but you are my boyfriend.

Chris: OMG SANTA!

He runs over and leaps onto the lap of the guy dressed as Santa.

Chris: I want a pony, a gazebo, a flying sandwich maker.

Santa: Get the hell off me you freak!

Santa pushes Chris off his lap, he hits the floor with a thud.

Chris: You know ,the real Santa wouldn't have done that! You get a job!

Jill: Come on, stop bothering Santa.

Chris: I'll be back Santa! I'll have the BSAA at the North Pole before Boxing Day!

Jill pulls him into the Ladies Fashion store.

Jill: So you see Chris, that's why you can't do that to the mall Santa. They're all secretly out to kill the president.

Chris: Do they sell bacon in here?

Jill: What? No of course not this is a women's clothi-

Merchant: Get ya bacon here strangah!

A strange man in robes hides in the corner holding his jacket open to reveal bacon lining the fabric and grease dripping onto the floor.

Jill: Uhh, do I know you?

Merchant: Oh, sorry thought you were someone else. Uhh, you wouldn't happen to know a guy... this tall, poofy blonde hair with a brown leather jacket? He's usually here by now.

Jill: Oh, you must mean Leon, yeah he'll be here soon he's meeting us here.

Merchant: Oh, good. I'll uh, just wait here then. In the corner. By myself, as usual.

Jill walked off, dragging Chris by the arm.

Chris: But I want bacon! Bacon is god!

Jill: We're here to get our secret santa gifts. Nothing else. Now come on, help me find something for you to give 'Becca.

Claire: Oh, hey guys!

Claire and Leon strutted into the store.

Merchant: STRANGAH!

Leon: Oh god, look dude. We've been over this, you're not allowed within 100ft of me, now leave.

Merchant: but-

Leon: NO! Now get out before I call the cops.

The merchant walks out crying and dripping grease and bacon all over the floor.

Claire: You mind telling us what all that's about?

Leon: Oh it's nothing really, just this guy I met a few years back. He sort of became my stalker so I put a restraining order on him. No big deal.

* * *

LATER

Jill and Claire are sitting at the food court.

Claire: So what's this I hear about you and Chris getting engaged?

Jill: He proposed yesterday... at a strip club... naked.

Claire: What? Why would he do that!

Jill: You gotta admit, it's original.

MEANWHILE!

Chris and Leon are having some man-time.

Leon: Hey look, they got Resident Evil 5 here! Gold Edition? Eew.

Chris: Oh my god!

Leon: What?

Chris: They have THE best videogame of all time here!

Leon: Bacon Raider 3?

Chris: Hello Kitty: Island adventure!

Chris picked up the game and cuddled it.

Leon: What is your problem?

Chris: I'm sensitive!

Leon: So is your face.

Chris: Oh, then that new moisturizer I've been using works!

They both fell silent for a few seconds.

Leon: Why am I friends with you?

Chris: Cuuuz I'm awesome!

* * *

MEANWHILE!

Albert Wesker is shifting through the Toys for Tots bin.

Wesker: Damn Excella! Where's that vial of Uroboros I hid in that teddy bear?

Wesker looks and finds a Hungry Hungry Hippos game.

Wesker: Hmmm, I'll have to save this for later.

Ada walks up behind him and sees his legs sticking up out of the donation bin.

Ada: So this is where you go Christmas shopping?

Wesker: Who's there, I swear to god if it's you, Chris...

Ada: Are you saying I sound like a man?

Wesker: Ohhh, so it's Leon.

Ada: Leon does not sound like a man! He is a girl!

Wesker: I give up who is it, Jesus? If this is for what we did 2000 years ago, we were all drunk and I had heard a rumour you liked being nailed to wooden crosses.

Ada: It's me you Jackass, you know? Your loyal follower?

Wesker: Excella?

Ada: Who's Excella? You haven't got another loyal follower have you? Wesker I swear to god, if you're cheating on me!

Wesker: No, baby you're my one and only... for now.

Wesker lifts himself up out of the donation bin.

Wesker: Ohh, Ada. You were my next guess, I swear.

Ada: So who's this Excella chick huh?

Wesker: Oh, just a stalker.

Ada: Uh-huh. Ok, anyway I'm bored.

Wesker: Oh, good. Because I have a plan to ruin Christmas for the STARS.

Ada: What now?

Wesker: Well, first we get a time machine...

Ada: We are NOT getting a time machine.

Wesker: Why not?

Ada: Because there is no such thing as a time machine!

Wesker: You just watch, I'll get a time machine by Friday.

Ada: Yeah, whatever. Merry Christmas, weirdo.

Ada walks off in her usual strut. Wesker continues to rummage through the donation bin.

* * *

BACK TO THE MALL!

Leon, Claire, Jill and Chris are having lunch... still.

Chris is having his usual 5 foot bacon tower sandwich.

Jill: So I'm thinking about getting Barry an iPod.

Chris: Not now Jilly the men are talking.

Jill: You weren't even saying anything.

Chris: Nonsense, go do some laundry or something. Anyway Leon, did you ever find out what happened to the island you blew up?

Leon: Umm...it blew up?

Chris: Good, serves em right. Damn islands well they're just wannabe continents.

Claire: I can't believe they let people like you handle guns. I mean, you'd think that would be one of the top rules when seeling firearms, you know. "Not to be handled by mentally dangerous persons."

Chris: Hey, don't bully Leon, he can't help it if his hair is gay.

Claire: I was talking about you-

Chris: Nonsense, woman! Go do some laundry! Can't you see I'm eating bacon?

Jill and Claire leave their chairs and walk off in a grumpy mood.

Leon: I don't know what she sees in you.

Chris: Leon, that's gross! She's my sister!

Leon: What? I didn't mean Claire I meant Ji-

Chris: Nonsense woman! Go do some laundry!

Leon: I am not a woman!

Chris: That's strange, I could swear your hair is PMS-ing.

Leon: It's not my fault my hair is so poofy and gorgeous!

Chris: Tell your hair to go do some laundry!

Leon: Seriously, if you had half a mind, you would be dangerous.

Chris: Hey! Shut up. Just because you don't have watermelon-sized arms.

Leon: At least I didn't have to have a partner through my game!

Chris: Yeah, you had to look after a dumb blonde fangirl!

Leon: Two words! Sheva. Alomar.

Chris: Oh. Oh you've gone too far get here!

Leon jumps off his Chair and runs like a little bitch away from Chris.

* * *

CHRISTMAS EVE!

The STARS team stands in their meeting room.

Wesker: Ok guys, you've had plenty of time. Present you Secret Santa gifts now! I got myself this delightful little plush bear. See? It reminds me of a young me a little.

Joseph: So, when you were young you were a small fluffy bear stuffed with cotton?

Wesker: Shut up!

Wesker throws the water cooler at Josephs face and he is crushed under it.

Wesker: Well. Whoever bought him a gift... I guess it's time to get a refund. ANYWAY!

Barry walks up to Chris and presents his gift.

Chris tears it open and his face lights up.

Chris: Oh my god! Barry thank you so much! My very own Super Deluxe Bacon Hat!

Chris puts the massive lump of fried bacon shaped like a top hat on top of his head. A 3kg square of melting butter sits atop it.

Barry: Hehe, hope you like it.

Chris runs forward and hugs Barry tightly

Chris: This is the happiest –sniff- day of my life!

Jill walks up to Barry.

Jill: Here you go, Barry. I was your secret Santa.

Jill handed Barry his gift.

Chris: If she did what I told her to do, that should be fresh laundry in the box. You're welcome.

Jill walks off, still annoyed. She goes to Rebecca.

Jill: Well Chris is being a complete ass as usual.

Rebecca: I feel so sorry for you, but anyway guess what? I'm your secret Santa, so here's your present.

Jill: Thanks Rebecca, you know I can always count on yo –YOU GOT ME AN IRONING BOARD COVER! WHAT THE HELL!

Rebecca: What? I thought you'd like it! Chris said you love to do laundry so I thought-

Jill: Oh for god's sake!

Jill storms out.

* * *

LATER THAT NIGHT!

Jill is getting ready for bed, Chris is already in bed.

Jill: You know, you're a real ass you know that?

Chris: -mumbles-

Jill: I mean it Chris I've had enough of it!

Chris: -mumbles-

Jill: What are you doing?

Jill walks out and sees Chris under the sheets on his side.

Jill: What's that smell? Oh! Chris you're not-

Jill pulled back the covers and saw Chris munching on the Super Deluxe Bacon Hat, grease dripping all over the bed sheets.

Jill: You are disgusting!

Chris: Merry Christmas!

THE END!

**

* * *

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A/N:

**Hey guys, thanks for reading my Christmas special. I finished this story at 12:02AM Christmas morning. I would like to dedicate this story to Resident Roach Code Metallica, she's the most hilarious resident evil comedy writer out there and was a massive source of inspiration while writing this. Unfortunately she's not with us anymore. Thank you RRCM, we'll miss you!**

**And Merry Christmas to everyone out there! **

**-Biohazrd23**


End file.
